If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
be right there i have to get my cape
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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