I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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