You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
