it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Drake has all the answers
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
