Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
