i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
