Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
