WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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