I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
