we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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