i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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