If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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