The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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