one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
