you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
