She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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