Your mouth is God's brothel.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
