Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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