Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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