i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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