Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
