What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
