If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
