I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
