You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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