Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
