dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
