I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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