Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
