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• (361): View more from Texas

  I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Def the best call fo sho

  (361): View more from Texas

  That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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• (210): View more from Texas

  he referred to my room as the tit cave...

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game

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• (214): View more from Texas

  bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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  19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

  (925): View more from California

  "half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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  25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.

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• (514): View more from Quebec

  we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.

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