my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"