I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
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He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.