Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
