I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
