And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
