so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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