For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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