I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
