Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
