my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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