Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
