Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
its liver damage thursday
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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