I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
