Who did Billy Mays play for?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
