She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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