My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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