The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I wear drunk well.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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