Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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