I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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