I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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