He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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