i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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