can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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