At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
