Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Randomize
